woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
