It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
