Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
