I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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