Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
