Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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