Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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