My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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