Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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