Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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