I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
