I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
