is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
