Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
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sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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