I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
