the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
