she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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