Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
