it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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