The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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