Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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