I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
