now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
