you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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