I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
