Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
