theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize