True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
