i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
