When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
