Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
