i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Welp...herpes.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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