I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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