I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
