Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
