You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
