You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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