I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
