We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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