Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
