dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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