You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
