News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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