the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
