i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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