Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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