I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
