Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
