Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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