i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?