i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.