there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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