I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
