I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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