I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize