i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
