Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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