i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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