I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
