I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
