nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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