The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
