I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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